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Writing from Unreality House, a hyperfiction project created and edited by Jay Gabler.

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Oh, look at you, free-spirit guy!

Oh, look at you. Just look at you! You’re so fun! You’re always getting up to something wacky! I unsubscribed from your Facebook feed because I just couldn’t handle all the nutty stuff you get up to!

All that stuff the rest of us left behind when we were kids—slip-n-slides, neon t-shirts, playground equipment, novelty ice cream products—you still proudly enjoy! And why wouldn’t you? You’re such a free spirit! Unfettered by the chains that lock the rest of us into our button-down shirts and sensible trousers.

Look at you party! Keg stands, even! Sweaty dance marathons! Bonfires! The rest of us are content sitting around and sipping cocktails, but you’re not happy until both you and a piñata get totally smashed. Fun! You’re only under 40 once!

You must imagine that I wish I could be you, running around all the time jumping out of planes and painting my body gold and taking part in eating contests. You must think I’m so deadly bored with my life. You must think I’m plagued with a sinking feeling that I’ve sold out.

Sorry, bro, but I didn’t sell out. I just grew up, and got a real job, and started dating someone who wasn’t an aging candy raver. It’s worked out all right for me…but don’t let me spoil your fun. Frolic on, free spirit.

- Tanner Fitzgerald

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