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Writing from Unreality House, a hyperfiction project created and edited by Jay Gabler.

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Pros and Cons of Hooking Up with Moms

Pros

• Have their shit together. If the kids are still alive, their mom has to have some kind of grip on reality.

• Experienced—by definition.

• Confident. Moms care about their kids, but in bed they tend not to have hang-ups. Moms’ time is limited, so they’re not going to waste time telling you what they want to do.

• Fundamentally sexy. Culture and some weird instinct cocktail (STD avoidance? I dunno) might have taught us to have the hots for virginal types, but at a fundamental level, your body gets excited about sex because it wants you to have kids. A woman with a proven record of having kids is just, at a baseline level, hot.

• Good snacks in the cupboard. Gushers, Goldfish, shit like that.

Cons

• Often married, or partnered. Inconvenient, and complicated.

• Limited hours of availability. You kind of have to be on their timetable.

• Anxiety about the kids walking in on you. Some moms are cool flying close to the flame on this one, but I try to avoid doing Mom when the kids are in bed. I’m already under investigation for drug possession, I don’t need some kind of boning-in-front-of-a-minor situation added to my dossier.

• Don’t drive sexy cars. Minivans might be hot from a girl’s perspective, but I can’t get a boner within 100 feet of an Aerostar.

• No prospects for the long term. Before you get offended by that, consider whether you really think I should become an adoptive father. And remember, this is real life—not an Adam Sandler movie.

- Tanner Fitzgerald

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