1. If you’re going to write a novel, you need a game plan. You can’t just do one chapter a week and hope it will somehow all come together, even if you’re being post-modern.
2. Sex sex sex, the kinkier the better. It seems obvious, but it’s true. If you want what you write to have any chance of actually getting read, make it somehow about sex plus something fucked-up, like cheating or pissing or drugs.
3. The more personal, the better. You think people are tired of reading memoir-like confessional writing? Bullshit. People don’t want us to write fiction, they want us to write about all the boring details of our boring lives in the middle of nowhere.
4. It’s better to be a girl than a guy. Because then people will follow your blog in the hopes that you’ll post hot GPOYs. No one’s gonna follow a guy’s blog hoping for a dickpic.
5. It’s hard. Open up a blank doc. Ready…GO! See?
6. Originality doesn’t count for shit unless you’re really good. In real life, you’ll get a way bigger crowd standing on the corner with your guitar playing Cat Stevens than you will reading your short story at a bookstore. On the Internet, you’ll get way more reblogs for a Katy Perry GIF that already has 14,000 notes than you will for an original essay—unless it’s really good (or about sex).
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